I know, I have been neglecting the blog again.
Never fear! Have surgery next week.
Surgery is always good for a few stories.
I would rather have vacation stories but, you know, surgery is a good runner up.
The surgery involves girlie things which is what this entry is about.
Girlie things.
So if you don't want to hear about girlie things, I advise you to skip down to an earlier entry.
Girlie things commencing in ...3...2...1
So my surgery is next Thursday.
The official name of the surgery is "Meddling With Girlie Parts Of An Unconscious Girlie" otherwise known as "Inappropriate Touching"
I am trying not to think about it too much as the whole ordeal is rather horrifying to me. Especially the needle bits.
During the surgery, my doctor thought it would be a good idea to insert an IUD, you know, while she is down there meddling anyway.
She wrote a prescription so that I could purchase the three-hundred-and-fucking-fifty dollar IUD beforehand and bring it with me.
Great.
I received a call today that it was in and I could come to pick it up.
Fabulous.
I drove down to the Pharmacy immediately. Lined up. Gave my name to the Pharmacist.
For those who don't know what an IUD is, It stands for Inter Uterine Device. It is supposed to be a teeny little device that fits discretely inside the uterus and fixes all sorts of problems.
Trouble free.
I had my first sign of trouble when the pharmacist reached down with both hands and a back brace to retrieve the device.
The package measured 1 inch by 5 inches by......EIGHTEEN INCHES long.
WHAT?
I gaped! I was gob smacked.
I laughed. She laughed.
I said. "Errr, I only need one."
She said, "Well, this is only one."
I said, "Do you know what this is for?"
she said "Yes I do. It's because it comes with an applicator."
I said "we're not harpooning a whale here."
I read the package, " IUD and IUD launching system"
...launching system.
They need a whole system?
Rocket assisted launching system?
I visualize the surgical team behind a barrier shield 20 feet away...counting down...Device aimed toward unconscious, prone girlie with legs spread ....and prepare for liftoff in 10, 9, 8....
Jesus, I'm starting to sweat.
I began to laugh ...hysterically.
They began to laugh, heartily.
I flip the package over and scan for warning labels.
Warning: This package contains a 250 PSI firing device. Do not aim toward eyes. Wear goggles and safety gear when using device. Do not attempt to use device while intoxicated.
Well, I bought it and opened it up to read the instructions when I got home.
..."Remove safety pin. Move activation collar to ON position. Verify LED illuminates or flashes"...
People, I am beginning to feel a little apprehensive about this.
Stay tuned, next blog update... the surgery.
What a cliff hanger!

It's been a while since an update and I have noticed my visitor numbers slowly dropping off. It's been an incredibly dull month so you should be glad, at least, I didn't bore you all to death by writing about it. The only noteworthy events over the last 4 weeks were getting the flu and spraining my ankle trying to look at the bottom of my shoe for dog poo. DON'T ASK! Happy to report - no dog poo. If things don't spice up soon I shall be forced to fabricate some kind of drama in my life. I have to go in for surgery in 2 weeks. I shudder at the thought. No more on the topic! I will write more when something interesting happens.

Cool pic of Chinese New Year in Vancouver, taken by my friend Cam.

Cool pic of Chinese New Year in Vancouver, taken by my friend Cam.

Gung Hei Fat Choi everyone!
It is the Chinese New Year this weekend and the New Year of the Pig.
I was born in the year of the pig.
Why Pig?
Why not, year of the Swan?
Year of the Sleek Sexy Black Jaguar?
Year af the Magical Fire Breathing Dragon.
Anything but pig.

Ah well, that's what beer is for. Chinese New Year in a bottle.
...oh wait, i said that yesterday.
I have a problem.

Received an e-mail from a friend in England today. He read my blog, unlike my heartless family in England who never read my blog (Yes Nick I mean you).

I understand though.

It's hard for them to leave the pub. If we had any decent pubs in Canada I wouldn't spend half the time I do on the intertubes.
Now for the recap of Valentines day. As you may know, our dog Emma had her surgery a few days ago and she can't be left unattended.
Which left us with myriad options, and after much deliberation we decided upon a romantic getaway to....wait for it....the nearest A and W drive-through!

Which is just like In and Out burger except with more salt added to make up for the inferior quality.
Ah well, that's what beer is for. Valentine's Day in a bottle.
Was that depressing?

Well it's two hours away from Valentines day.
The day when we all pay $6.95 CND plus tax to Hallmark to tell 'them' how we really feel because we just can't seem to find the right words.
What if Hallmark cards actually did say what we really feel.
"I love you but I wouldn't mind having a go at your sister."
What? That's not what it said in the store!
I met Derek in January 2000.
A month later on our first Valentines Day I gave him a homemade card.
A picture of a real human heart (from a surgery page) with a drawn arrow through it.
I think he figured out then I'm not the romantic type.
He bought me my first real bike. A skookum roadie OCR. Guess I made quite the impression.
Seriously, I don't mind Valentine's day. Any holiday that involves me getting chocolate (or bikes....or both) is okay by me.
Emma had her surgery.
The limpy footsy surgical procedure. It was pretty good timing because she also just learned to open the refrigerator and help herself.
Seriously.
Video coming sometime in the next week.
This will get on cuteoverload for sure.

I had my cello lesson today.
During the lesson I mentioned a story from my blog which led my cello teacher to inquire about the nature of this blog.
He then requested that I never name him in the Blog to which I assured him that I most certainly would not.
I respect peoples privacy and if ever an event happened at the cello lesson which was blog worthy (like today), I should be sure to use an anagram of his name.
So I will.
The anagram is Brain Mix. (You see Brain? and you thought I couldn't think of one. Tsk tsk. Man of little faith.)
Note to readers: asking me not to do something is like poking a bull with a sharp stick in hopes that it will calm down.

Okay that took a little longer than expected. What? There were a lot of photos!
Click here to view the Stanley Park gallery.
I have included comments with the photos.
As Borat would say "Wow woo wee wah."

Hint for the evening:
Do not open your freezer door with freshly washed hair.
I froze the back of my head to the inside of my freezer door tonight.
STOP LAUGHING!
I am only telling you out of kindness to save you from inevitable future pain, as this type of thing is bound to happen to everyone. At least once. We walked around Stanley Park yesterday. It's the first time I have seen the damage since the windstorm. Photos coming tomorrow.