Darn it.
I read my friend Lock's blog again today.
(I read his blog which makes him my friend even though he may not always be aware of it. C'mon it's 2007, half of my best friends are unaware of the deep and committed relationship we have.)
Everytime I read his blog it inspires me to write more in mine.

Okay, not just write more but write more honestly.
This is supposed to be my journal afterall. Ex Animo and all that crap.
Honesty and openness... here I go.

You know, there's no way Lock's family is aware of his Blog.
Mine is fully aware.
That get's me off the hook right?

Alright, I have issues!
Good thing I have so many of you friends out there reading. Right? Friends?

So my titling experiment had the opposite effect.
Instead of enticing readers to stay longer and read more, a greater number of people were spending less time reading my blog, during the time I had the risque title at the top of the page.
I believe this is due to a factor I hadn't considered.
The NSFW factor.
That is 'Not Safe For Work' for those of you who don't read Fark.
Or better explained as the MWWKMAISCMRT factor, or 'My Wife Will Kick My Ass If She Catches Me Reading This' factor.

I realize to some readers, it may appear I am stooping to an all time low, resorting to using a title like this.
(for those looking for the 10 sure fire ways, keep reading, I won't let you down)
For the rest of you who are rolling your eyes at my new and brilliant scheme, this may appear to be an act of desperation but I will have you know that I am performing an experiment of great value.
A few days ago, as you know, I installed Google Analytics.
It has come to my attention that a large percentage of visitors stay less than ten seconds, which means they are either stupendously fast readers or illiterate.
There is a slight possibility that it is due to a deficiency in my cool batrachian graphics or dazzlingly entertaining content.
However slight the possibility, I must address it.
Now, you understand the necessity of the title.
Experiment: observe the effects that different titling has on the stats and modify my content to suit.
For those of you hoping for ten sure fire ways, who are at this point feeling a rising sense of disappointed and disillusionment do not despair! I really am working on it. Wracking my brain. I realize, being a woman myself it should be an easy one for me to figure this out. The illegal ones are easy, it's the legal ones that are giving me some trouble.
The good news though is that if it really is a sure fire way, you wont need ten will you, you will only need one.
It's just that ten sounded so much more exciting.
That makes the job one tenth as difficult as it sounds.
If this title has no effect on my readership, I shall have to resort to imitating famous people from Star Trek.
Again.
Now on to the journal bit. Here is a brief run down of the past month:
Enki and I finally got married. On November 30th.
We left for our honeymoon to Jamaica on December 1st.
I am sure you all can't wait to hear all about how great our vacation was while you were all stuck at home in a snow storm. Well you wont have to wait long, but you will have to wait. We are putting our usual vacation website together with shocking photos and scandalous stories and it is almost ready. I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise.
Real estate prices are finally starting to drop in Vancouver. So hopefully we wont have to pay sixty million dollars for a garden shed.
Emma caught a Skunk. Tasty tasty skunk. I have not the words.
I think 2007 is going to be an interesting year. That sounds like an ancient Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times." I am hoping for good interesting not plague of frogs interesting (despite the graphics).
It started off well, Smokie came to visit and to the Rant Radio meetup which went very well I might add.
Also, I ran into a friend that I haven't seen in 17 years. Very cool. He's the kind of friend that is a pleasure to run into after 17 years, not the kind that makes you panic, run in the opposite direction, commandeer the nearest vehicle which happens to have a blue handicapped sticker in the window, hurl the occupant out onto the sidewalk and drive home in an evasive manner to be sure you weren't tailed.
Oh, come on, give me a break, that happens!
sometimes.
Got homemade beer in the mail from our friends Heather and Dave. You really don't have friends until you have friends that send you homemade beer in the mail.
On a side note, regarding the Google analytics:
There has been a noticeable lack of visitors from England. Being that I am from England originally and my whole traitorous and uncaring family still live there, it really makes no sense. Has anyone heard about England being cut off from civilization for the past week? Countrywide blackouts? Alien invasions? Anything? Hmmm. I may have to write some nasty letters.

Okay.
There is something very wierd and creepy going on.
I just installed google analytics. Yes, yes I know, took me long enough. Okay whatever. The thing is I had assumed that this was my secret little space on the web and that nobody knew I was here.
There. Are. People.
Reading.

You know who you are.
Crap. Okay, don't panic! I can get through this....err okaaay, erruuum in todays news... I mean, Hey! look over there! it's Fark!
Dang. Okay look, I am really not prepared for this okay? I hadn't really planned on entertaining today.
I had started my super secret blog entry for today and now, now what am I supposed to say? Ahhhgg! Errr LOOK SOME FOOD ON A DOGS HEAD! More coming tomorrow.

Okay, I am a neglectful blogger, I know it.
I wouldn't blame anyone but myself if my entire readership abandoned me and my blog in protest to my laziness.
That would require me to first get a readership that read my blog faithfully.
Darn. Have to do something about that. Time for a new scheme.(ideas percolating).
Anyway, I am dashing out right now to go to the Rant Radio meetup downtown. I think that might involve beer in there somewhere.
I have lots to tell, lots happened in December, I will be writing a novel tomorrow.
Promise.

Wow, has it really been that long since an update?
It has been a busy month.
I had a lot of laundry.
Actually, big news, Derek and I are finally tieing the knot!
After 7 years of waiting, my parents collapsed with shock. Literally.
On the phone, my dad said “’ang on, I’ve got t’ pick meself up off the floor. Mum! ye daughter’s getting married! ‘ang on, I’ve got te pick ye mum up off the floor.”

I planned the wedding one day last week then informed Derek he was marrying me via instant message. At the time I thought, how cool and nerdy of me! But then Brittany ruined it by divorcing K-fed via instant message and now it just seems trashy.
Darn Brittany, she always ruins things.
Just remember everyone , I did it first!
I’ve been shopping a bit lately. In my books, an impending wedding warrants a little self indulgence.
Okay a lot.
I’m not a stereotypical heel donning, french manicured, coiffured kind of girl but even so, I could do with an image update.
Embarking upon this quixotic quest, my first task was take inventory of my make-up bag; I found it sadly wanting. This called for a quick trip to the local drug store make-up aisles, an LSD trip of powders, lotions and myriad palettes containing every colour visible to the human eye (and some that aren’t).
I found a tube of lipgloss which promised lips like Scarlett Johansson.
It’s actual marketing claim guaranteed lips exactly 41% plumper.
Scientifically proven.
Let's see, my lips being about 1cm wide each would mean I have to layer on more than 4mm of gloss in order for the claim to be true.
If you wanted 41% bigger lips you could always get someone to punch you in the mouth.
Out of a twisted sense of curiosity, I asked the sales girl how this could possibly work.
She answered. “My minimifidian friend, it certainly works because somebody explained it to me once.”
“What did they say?” I ask.
“I can’t remember but they explained it so it works.”....
Well then, there you have it.
Let me ask you, if they really could sell you a little bottle and paintbrush of a substance that guaranteed a 41% increase in size, do you really think they would be selling it for lips?
So anyway, I bought it. Shut up! It’s a nice shade of pink!
p.s. I'll be posting wedding pics in a couple of weeks.
p.p.s. We have had 2 weeks of torrential rain and flooding in the lower mainland and yesterday they warned everyone to only use bottled water in the biggest water advisory in the history of BC. The tap water literally looks like mud.
Of course, I drank an entire glassful and only upon filling my second glass did I notice the muddiness and miasma of noxious fumes, scream, drop the glass and claw in futility at my throat.
That was yesterday.
Nothing bad has happened yet, but this morning when I woke up, I forgot and groggily made my way to the kitchen to down yet another glassful (repeat: screaming, dropping, clawing). I'm not talking juice glass, I'm talking Defcon pint glassful.
If I don't die, all can assume the water is safe.
Glad to be of service.

I've been working on the Hiking Club website.

Here is the official announcement:
Here For The Beer Hiking Club
No time to write today, heading to the coffee and tea expo.
Then to the travel agents to book our vacation.

There's been torrential downpour going on all week.
I've also just finished reading Catcher in the Rye.
Nothing like a little J.D. Salinger during a 72 hour torrential downpour to dampen ones spirits.
I felt I should read the book to find out if I am ever going to assassinate anybody.
It's an important thing that everyone should know about themselves. Imagine the shock of being caught unawares.
I just finished it.
Now, it's a matter of waiting, and watching as events unfold. Or not, as the case may be.

Nothing so far.

Other than my normal brand of Crazy™ and a general feeling of misanthropy when thinking about cable companies...

Nope, nothing.

Darn, I was hoping for a new movie about me. “The Mancunian Candidate”.

In other news...
We had the "last Hike of Summer" this weekend. Everyone came out to Deep Cove with us for a hike to the big rock and an evening of drunken debauchery at the local pub, The Raven.
It was great fun. Nobody fell off the 300 ft. cliff and that makes it a success I say!
I have posted some pics taken by my good friend Cam, a very talented photographer albeit mentally deranged.
These pics are mostly here for the benefit of those who didn't show up for the purpose of driving them mad with jealousy.
We are clearly a bunch of very cool people.
And you weren't there.
What do you think that makes you then?
Good thing we are having another one.
I will be creating a new page to this blog soon. The page will contain upcoming hike details (time, location, maps etc.) I will hopefully have a ‘sign up for hikes/e-mail updates’ page.
I will also post photos of past outings on this page. They wont all necessarily be hikes, in winter we might go skiing or snowshoeing, or just skip the whole outdoors part and get right to the drunken debauchery part. I am also open to suggestions.
We need to think of a name for this group. If you have any suggestions e-mail me.
Must be off now... feeling a strange urge to fondle my gun. Later.

I rode up Mount Seymour again today.
damn it.
I scared myself silly with that stupid story I wrote in yesterdays blog.
I was utterly alone up there today, jumping at every leaf that fell and twig that snapped.
The sky was black with clouds and there was very little light in the forest which made it even worse.
Well at least it was raining.
Sasquatch don't like rain,

do they?

I rode my bike up Mount Seymour today.
It's a beautiful fall day, sunny but the air is cool.
I love riding in the forest alone.
In case anyone reading this has never been to BC, here is a satellite view which gives a good idea of the size of the rainforest.
The image only shows the bottom corner of BC, you will have to imagine that the wilderness continues on and on all the way up to the Yukon and NWT. Leaving the fringe of civilization into the vast North Shore Rainforest can make you feel more alone than anywhere else in the world.
Every year visitors to the province leave for a day hike into the mountains, inexperienced and unaware of the dangers, they are never heard from again.

It's windy today.
Golden sunlight filters through the treetops.
It's fall now so the leaves are turning and the pine needles fall thickly through the air like amber coloured confetti.
It's a steep, steady climb. My heart is pounding so loudly now I can hear it.
I haven't seen a single soul in half an hour.
My skin is tingling.
The wind is stronger up here. The tall pine trees bend and groan. The very tops, some 100 ft tall shudder and sway, branches colliding and snapping.
They are the only noises other than my heart.
I keep pedaling. My legs are tired.
I know I am alone now, I never see anyone come up this far.
The trail is closing in, branches are scraping my arms and legs.
The trees are moving.
Shuddering.
There is a legend here about shaking the trees.
It was first told to us by the indigenous people. They said, "Don't ever, ever shake the tree branches when you are alone in the woods." The legend tells of something in the woods, of people who go missing. Something that watches for the tree tops swaying. The legend is old but there are many new stories, many people go missing every year.
Several years ago, a young man left for a hike alone. He had his cell phone with him for emergencies.
At the end of the day, heading back he realized that he was lost. He wandered another hour until the light was dimming.
He tried calling out for someone to hear him but of course, he was miles from anyone. Realizing he would need help, he called his sister on his cell phone. That far into the forest, reception isn't as good, the line broke several times during the conversation.
Of course no one would ever hear his side of the story, but his sister told people of the phone call.
He had stopped to remove a rock from his shoe.
He leaned against a tree branch to remove his shoe.
You can imagine how the tree would sway.
Sometimes when you grab a tree branch you can cause the tree to sway right to the top. The pine trees are so tall you can see the tops for miles.
She told how her brother saw something in the trees. Covered in dark fur, at first he thought it was a bear, but it walked upright as a man.
It was far too large to be a man. Maybe 10 ft tall.
It was getting closer. Hiding behind trees. Moving from tree to tree.
He called out to it. The light was dim and he couldn't see well. It was much larger than a bear.
He thought he saw it's eyes; they were watching him.
He sounded short of breath, panicked.
He thought he saw it's teeth.
The last thing she heard were her brothers screams. That's the last anyone heard of him.
Don't ...ever ...shake ...the trees.

I'm climbing alone.
The treetops sway.

nah, I'm just messin' with ya.
Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things that can kill you in the BC forests but it's unlikely that it will be a sasquatch.
That's all for today. Nighty night, sweet dreams.